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  • Writer's pictureDoriene van Luttervelt

In and out, on and off, up and down

Today, I finally have been able to say it out loud… #burnout

I am burned up, literally tied into a strong knot. A severe burnout has taken over my body and screamed STOP a few months ago. After having one in 1999, I told myself this was never to happen again. And yet, it has happened anyway. Although it feels so different from my first one. As if this is a final struggle before I allow myself to be completely happy. Completely myself.

This transformation process – on my way to true happiness – is accompanied by quite some physical and mental hiccups and inconvenient sensations. They say that your body is always the last to respond to a period of acute stress? #etvoila These past years have been filled with “making choices, to fall and stand up again, trying to keep all balls in the air and finally being unable to keep that up”. In 7 years’ time I have ended my long-term relationship, started my own business, fell madly in love and experienced so much heartache when that ended, had to say farewell to many dear ones, sold our house with a huge debt (after doing everything in my power to prevent it) lost several jobs and finally, have been accepted into the WSNP last December (Schuldhulpverlening)

- sigh -

By reading all of this, I feel and realize how many things have happened in these 7 years. And I never stopped to take a break from them. Full survival mode. Until I almost literally dropped down. In and out, on and off, up and down. #breakdown

Now, when I have been working, I am so tired, my whole-body hurts. The day after I can hardly walk down the stairs. As if I am 85 and need a walker and stairlift to be able to function normally. My head is very active with so many negative thoughts and worries. Crying a lot and feeling very depressed far too long now. Panic attacks, palpitations and hyperventilating. I really started to worry about my health. Furthermore, I sense quite some resistance against accepting the fact that I am unable to do what I was able to do before. Accepting that I need to relax my body and mind to be able to heal.

Accepting all these new sensations in my body. What is not surprising, since my energy has started to flow again after a long period of stress. The knot is already looser.

I have also discovered that I am a horrible control freak-analyzing-idiot. And really have the urge to control and determine everything myself. This probably comes from the fact that a lot was decided (as far as I can remember) and imposed on me when I was young. Other people telling me how to act & feel. And I – a small child, a toddler – have accepted this as my truth. Yes, I do realize that I am responsible for believing and keeping alive this unreal version of myself.

In the meantime, I am working on myself and am dealing with these parts of me with several therapists. A manual therapist, a physiotherapist and an HSP therapist, who has a similar preference for the more spiritual side of life, integrated in this sometimes-hard society for people who are more sensitive and vulnerable.

Going back to unfelt emotions in one of our latest sessions we stumbled across trauma from a previous life. Where I sensed great fear. And the urge to work very hard, just wanting to forget all the terrible things that had happened to me. #trauma

A few days after I feel this #survivalmode is losing grip on me in 2018. Apparently, it was very necessary to protect myself back then. But today, all is falling into place. The mist is clearing the mist and I’m realizing that I have unconsciously been working so hard out of old habit. It’s been enough! It was never good enough for me. Always wanting to do better and then even more perfect. Especially and probably to get confirmation and approval from others. Or from myself? Was I trying to fill my own unreal expectations?

Or was I focusing on the needs of other people and therefor simply forgetting my own needs and neglecting myself? My longings? Stopped listening to my inner voice? Which always knows what is best for me? I’m afraid so. #insight It was just a very old habit, preventing me from really feeling and listening to that voice inside.

Trying so hard to forget everything I went thru, denying my true emotions and feelings. Simply by turning off my senses. Especially my intuition, my heart, my true emotions. And my being is literally shouting to be free of these bonds. Away from old patterns, away from ancient pain and anxiety, from stubborn trauma, distant from tricks, masks and false appearances.

It is time to show and live my own truth again. To admit to myself who I really am.

Taking care of me first. Healing, relaxing, meditating, sleeping, crying when I need to, laughing when I want to, loving because the most important person to love is the one in the mirror. Fully love myself. Embracing all quirks.

Many insights, books, tears, depressed periods and feeling okay again have passed.

And I am not there yet, that I do realize. And it's totally fine. Because I feel that I will be okay in the end. That I can heal myself just by doing it. Freeing myself from all that has prevented me from being truly Happy and free!

Taking care of ME first is quite a challenge. I do my utmost best and honestly, that does feel good. That knot will come out eventually. And I will be #UPagain

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