Just a little while ago my lifelong struggle has resulted into several great #insights which led to the point where I am today.
My childhood hasn't been easy. Even though I can't remember much of that specific period, I feel that these memories have faded for a reason. Probably because it was too much for me as a child to handle.
Life has been quite a challenge for me. And from time to time I have known happy periods. Unfortunately usually followed by an unhappy period. Where I felt lonely, insecure, lost and afraid. As if no one could really understand what I was going through.
But there has always been a very strong inner knowing, that wispered; "this is not who you really are!" I guess I have always been a special child, sensitive to the world around her. Unable to cope with what she was feeling and therefor created a survival mechanism that prevented me from really feeling.
Not only the less happy feelings, the happy feelings as well.
Last February, I turned 50. A #lifechanging event, especially since I am in the pre-menopause. The package comes with an inside pinball machine of hormones.
Feeling like I have just started my final journey in life. Tired, even more emotional than 'normal, binge eating'and surprisingly binge reading as well (I used to read one book a year, during my vacation)
The tsunami of insights started when I got a present. A book called: "The Shadow Effect" by Debbie Ford. What is the role of the shadow? Do we all have one? How can we unlock our light? About all parts of ourselves we deny or depress.
I actually have cursed this book! It lit the #darkness in me, a part that has been hiding for so many years. And was ready to step out of the darkness into the #light. Even though it is so scary. It is, yes! I am still in the process of coming out of my own #darkness.
Daring to take small steps on the road of my own adventure. The road that leads to my true happiness. My perseverance is a great strength. My inability to relax is the opposite side of this strength. The shadow.
Exactly what I would love to embrace. The place I need to go back to, when I feel the need to persevere. (act) Whenever I feel strengthless, I turned away from exactly what I needed to do. (be)
To act versus to freeze. To do instead of to be.
Listen to the voice of my body and inner self, Really hear what it wants me to hear instead of 'running' away from it by taking action.
- silence -
In words it 'reads' so much easier than actually changing this specific mechanism, which I have created to prevent me from all those feelings I could'nt cope with when I was a child.
The journey within is in full progress. Never could I have imagined that I would actually feel so lost and so sure at the same time.
Lost because re-opening my heart comes with a lot of uneasyness. Not really knowing what to feel. If I want to cry, scream or laugh out loud. It might seem crazy, knowing that I a 50 years and adult.
However, in some situations I act like a little child. Getting to know the world around her. Sensing everything in her environment. Not yet sure what to do or say.
The only thing that I am sure of, is that all of these sensations, my insecurites and fears are more than OK. They make me ME! And that is the most important insight of all.
That no matter how hard you try to hide your shadow and the part within ourselves that is anxious to get out, is worthy of being in the light.
For me it is time to step into the #light, my own #light and share it with the world, with you. With everyone who needs a little patience and consolation from time to time.
To speak with someone who understands what you have been or are going through. Who will not judge you or just tell you which solutions there are.
Just someone who is there for you... as you
All my Love & Light,
Doriene xoxo