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  • Doriene van Luttervelt

Looking in the eyes of fear...

Updated: Apr 2, 2019

For some reason, writing in English gives me the opportunity to really express my inner feelings better than in Dutch. Strange huh? Maybe because I used to work in an International Business environment for many years. And being used to writing and talking in English all day long. Even in my mind the words and images were English, no translation needed.

Anyhow, this morning I felt inspired to write my new story in English. I will take you back in time for those who don't know what I am going through at this moment.

Since the summer of 2017, I have been on an inward journey. Exploring my inner shadows and giving in to the fact that my body and mind were totally exhausted. My energetic therapist (HSP) told me in March 2018 that I was experiencing a severe burnout. My second one in the last 20 years. It was the starting point of a very painful, sad, full of struggles and absolutely healing process.

Painful because I was fully experiencing emotions I had never really felt before. Tucked away since childhood. Grief, despair, anxieties, feeling insecure and worthless. Sad because of the many tears I shed. Crying myself to sleep at night. Being so scared of feeling happy again. At one particular moment, I was preparing the batter for an apple pie. And while I was kneading the dough I felt so afraid. That was the strangest feeling ever. Because I love baking and enjoy preparing food. At that moment I realized old memories and emotions were surfacing and I was re-living my greatest fear. Fear of loving myself unconditionally and being happy on my own terms.

For those of you who didn't know, I was born and raised in a 'broken' family. And grew up lacking a strong foundation of basic needs. My own needs, being a highly sensitive child, who just needed a little extra TLC and guidance. Something I started to fully comprehend and realize when I began seeing a psychotherapist in June 2018. The choices I made over the last 18 months weren't easy. It took great courage and perseverance for me to be able to embrace my shadow, my inner critics. Being brave is also being able to really feel the pain inside. Experiencing total sadness, despair, fear.

And while going through this emotional rollercoaster, with one baby step at a time, my spirit started to change. More and more I felt that the patterns and conditions from my past and childhood did not fit me anymore. I started to talk back at the inner voices of ego and self-lack. Voices of some kind of mind-control. Keeping fear alive and active. Even though they are still there, I tend to ignore them or start debating what they want me to believe, hear, see and tell. Affecting my life in a manner that is so unlike who I really am. You could say, I am shedding my old skin. Which isn't the easiest of processes to go through. Apparently much needed!


Yesterday I listened to music that normally makes my soul sing, but now I was sobbing like a little girl. Totally teary-eyed, I realized that I am the only one capable to change these destructive patterns. To free me of layers that are not my own. Shame and the lack of self-love were in my way, preventing me from total acceptance. Letting myself and my inner child down for so long. Giving all the power to voices in- and outside of myself.


Wow! What insight...

When I stepped into the bathroom to dry off my tears, I looked at my image in the mirror above the sink. And through the tears and fear, I also saw a sparkle in my eyes and I felt that something essential had happened. Suddenly, I could feel that all pieces of the puzzle fit together and I could see the bigger picture again. The only thing I needed to do, was to forgive myself! It felt like my old skin had dropped to the floor and I could breathe again. With a strong inner knowing that I hadn't felt for a very long time.

The following days were like if I had woken up from a very long nightmare. Feeling vulnerable and full of life at the same time.


I start to understand that by hiding my emotions and vulnerable self, I was not really visible. No one could really see my true self, because I was too afraid to show her to the world. Out of shame. Out of fear instead of love for myself and what happened to me.


Today, I sense a strength in being vulnerable, I haven’t sensed in many years.

And the only thing I needed to do is embrace myself and my cracks completely.


Letting go of an older version of myself....


Love & Light,

Doriene

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